So, for nearly two years now, I've let other people - Mike Chidsey, Chris West, my brother-in-law Mark and, for the longest time now, Greg tell the stories on this blog. Tonight, for whatever reason, I decided it was time for me to chime in.
Today was Cam's 8th radiation treatment back at MGH. 20 more to go. We've been away from "the girlies" for 11 days now and it is killing me. Greg has been gone for 7 days. I truly feel like I am here, with Campbell, but my heart is torn in two. I know that I must focus on Cam and entertaining her, so that this ordeal is not as "boring" for her, but so often throughout the day I miss my other girls. I miss nagging at Caroline and smiling knowingly at Caitlin (who is a mini-me) since I can read her mind. I miss hearing Campbell calling Caroline to play Bahbies (and yes, I mis-spelled that on purpose. The one seemingly permanent souvenir of Cam's Cancer treatment in Boston is the Boston way of saying Barbies :-) I'll take it. It's kinda cute.) I miss telling Caitlin to clean up her room, doing laundry, muttering under my breath as I pick up yet another dirty towel on the bathroom floor, writing grocery lists, staying up late working, crawling into bed next to Greg, who has left the light on for me while I stayed up working until well past midnight - only to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.
Through this all, I know that we are very blessed. We are so very fortunate to be staying at Christopher's Haven. We've met some amazing families, many of whom have endured more than we have. They have given me a new appreciation, again, for what we have. Even as I wait to hear back from the doctor's on whether or not they will be starting Cam's chemotherapy earlier than originally planned, which will most likely lead to an earlier disappearance of the beautiful blonde curls that I so love to play with, I still appreciate what we have. Cam is tolerating the radiation well, even being a trooper about not being able to eat until after her treatment each day (which so far was as late as 2:10pm). Her energy level is amazing. She exhausts me. I look at her with awe every day.
She has made a few new friends at the apartments, which has been such a God-send. She anxiously awaits the end of the day, when everyone is back from their appointments, and Kennedy can come out to play. It's nice to see her acting like a "normal" kid. It makes me think of one of my favorite sayings "there is no such thing as normal, only degrees of dysfunction." Normal is what you want it to be. If this world of pediatric Cancer is my new normal (well not so new anymore since we are approaching the 2nd anniversary of Cam's original diagnosis), then so be it. But hear me stupid Cancer, we will win. I am sick of you. Pediatric Cancer may always be part of me now, but I will see the day when we can talk of how we beat you down.